Feeling lonely, even when you are not alone?
How to Cope with Loneliness as a Caregiver
It doesn't matter whether you are a carer or not, loneliness affects us all. However, if you are a carer, you can feel more isolated and lonely as your lifestyle changes to adapt to this often additional role.
As a result, you might find you are withdrawing from your usual activities, such as seeing less of work colleagues, or friends and not being able to carry out normal hobbies and activities, such as going to the gym, where you would chat and interact with others, . Also, it can feel lonely because you don't have those shared experiences any more, or even the anticipation of those experiences, that you might have had with your loved one or friends, such as family holidays or celebrating those special occasions.
One of the areas loneliness can stem from is not being able to relate to others on an intimate level and freely express your thoughts and feelings, without fear of rejection or being judged. Friends might tell you to 'make it work for you', or 'just get someone in, if it's that hard'. They do not mean to be insensitive, they just don’t understand. Often your social interactions are drastically reduced and perhaps the only time you spend away from home and have the opportunity to engage with someone other than your loved one, is going shopping or to the GP’s surgery. Just having chats with people, about anything, but nothing to do with caring, can really rejuvenate and lift your spirits and these interactions can be missed very quickly.
Loneliness can be triggered by a particular event or may develop over time, without you necessarily even being aware of it, or the emotions that feeling lonely can bring. It is definitely possible to be lonely AND be in a relationship, such as a caring relationship, marriage or partnership. I know I have been lonelier while in a relationship than I have ever been on my own. Even if you have a partner, friends and family, loneliness might make you feel that your relationships are now not meeting your needs, as there is no sense of connection or meaning, because your role in that relationship has changed. You might be in a room filled with people you know, and still have an overwhelming sense of loneliness. That sense of loneliness can make you feel unloved, unwanted, insecure, or abandoned by those you look up to and love.
In fact, Austrian psychotherapist Albert Adler, proposed that it wasn’t possible to feel lonely unless there were other people present. So, according to Adler, if you were and had always been completely alone in the world, with no other human companions, you wouldn’t have a sense of loneliness at all, because you would not know anything different!
There are so many emotions, thoughts and feelings that go with loneliness. Let's explore some of those together and think about why it's important to recognise those thoughts and feelings as carers and what steps we can make to change the emotions of loneliness. To help illustrate this topic, I will be referring to some research studies. The references are at the bottom of this post.
As human beings, we are hardwired to have a sense of being needed. A study, published in 2015, found that the pressure to be happy and the social pressure not to show any negative emotions, such as with friends or other family members, can, in itself lead to a sense of loneliness. In another study, they reflected that if you do feel lonely, even though you might participate in activities with others, your sense of loneliness might still not be improved, and you might be more likely to want to do things on your own, which of course, in turn, may increase a sense of loneliness and isolation. The same study reported that the longer-term effects of loneliness can be associated with poor physical health and wellbeing.
Another study published in 2019, outlined that there could be an increasing cognitive impairment connected to loneliness and there was a significant association between older age and cognitive impairment. Cognitive impairment is when a person has trouble remembering, learning new things, concentrating or making decisions that affect their everyday life. This is important to consider for older caregivers, perhaps caregivers looking after a partner or parent, as well as the long-term impact for parents caring for a child.
On a more positive note, the same study reflected that education served as a protective factor for cognitive function. So, we are going to get those little grey cells going in a while! Not being connected to others and having emotions associated with loneliness, can lead people to try and drown out and forget how they are feeling with drugs or alcohol. These in themselves can cause us to reject the company of others, because addictive habits have additional emotions and feelings, such as regret for our actions. Additionally, becoming reliant on substances to numb feelings of loneliness, can actually increase the chances of feeling stress, anxiety and becoming depressed. If we are very isolated and alone, we might also misunderstand or misinterpret the attention of others, when we are trying to find meaning, when it might not actually be there. Perhaps this could be the attention of a healthcare professional involved in the care of a loved one, or a casual acquaintance showing compassion or empathy for us. Trying to find meaning in transient encounters, which is lacking in our day to day lives, is unlikely to result in our need to belong being met.
As carers, what steps can we take to reduce loneliness?
Most importantly, feeling lonely or having a sense of loneliness is normal. It is a natural response to circumstances and situations and most of us will feel lonely at some point in our lives. There is even a Loneliness Minister in the UK, and the UK government says it has plans to tackle loneliness.
One quick and positive action we can take is to increase contact with individuals who already understand how we are feeling, such as joining a forum just for carers, such as Carers UK or our Film and TV Carer’s Club Zoom meet-ups. There are also numerous forums and support groups covering specific illnesses and diseases such as dementia, autism, or MS. Community members in these dedicated forums, particularly as they are likely to be carers as well, will understand the more in-depth challenges that you and your loved one will face. It is also worth making contact with organisations who specifically focus on supporting people who are feeling lonely, such as The Marmalade Trust (what a lovely name!) and The Campaign to End Loneliness. Counselling might also be of value to you and you can access support via The Free Psychotherapy Network or The UK Counselling Network.
If you can, try to use technology to keep in touch with friends and family, and perhaps set up regular virtual coffee chats. There are a variety of different online conferencing services that you can use such as Zoom, Skype, FaceTime, and I believe Facebook does one as well. So, try them out and see which one works best for you and your friends.
Another useful resource are free online carer support groups, such as those organised by local Carers Trust groups. These are supportive online communities where you can be just yourself whilst participating in activities such as book clubs, baking, art and exercise classes. Some also have counselling groups and coffee mornings. The members know what it is like to struggle sometimes, and it is a safe place to listen, share and be heard. If you don't have access to a device to access online groups and forums like this, sometimes charities can provide them, or your local library will have free sessions for you to use their computers.
Mind has some excellent resources for carers including 1:1 in-person support in some areas. If you are caring for someone under the local Community Mental Health Team, there might be specialist local carer groups you can access both in person and online. If you are caring for someone older, or with dementia, AgeUK and the Alzheimer’s Society can be very helpful.
Combining the opportunity of meeting new, like-minded people and exercising those ‘little grey cells’, you could also think about something you would like to learn; perhaps a new hobby, or to take a course. Many courses are free, FutureLearn for example, has some great options, so search for the topic you are interested in and look for trustworthy resources. I found the University of the Third Age for those who are retired, and Open Learn from the Open University, which offers free courses at the moment.
There are other ways of escaping into a new world or learning something new. A library is a great place to find free books, while charity shops sell books for a reasonable price. There are listening options such as audiobooks via Kindle and Audible or podcasts via Apple’s podcasts app or even on YouTube.
Another opportunity is to connect with neighbours through online groups such as Next Door, where you can find out what people in your street or your local neighbourhood are doing, such as book clubs or local historical groups. Also, local activities are quite often being run through online communities such as Meetup. Eventbrite offers a whole range of in person and virtual events from local to national and international opportunities and many are free to attend. If you search for your area, you can see what activities are going on close to you that may be of interest.
Or how about getting involved in local volunteering? Not all voluntary opportunities have to be done in person at a specific location. Small charities are crying out for people with a wide range of experience to support them. It could be that you have skills that would be a perfect fit for a local charity, or even a national charity. Think about the knowledge and experience you have, and how you can use that to help others. If you research a local area, you will probably find there is a local volunteer bureau. The Royal Voluntary Service offers remote opportunities such as its Check In and Chat service where you connect with those living alone on a regular basis. Alternatively, visit NCVO or Do-it.org for local and national opportunities. Roles such as being a trustee or treasurer, are ones where you won't necessarily need to be there, but you could be of tremendous help.
It might seem strange, but random acts of kindness have been shown to be useful in helping to promote positive emotions and moods, to help negate negative moods and to help with satisfaction with life and fulfilment. This is another way to not only help someone else, but feel connected with others.
The most important thing to remember is that, although it might feel like it, you are not alone. We are a family of carers and caregivers in film and TV, but also across the world. We don't leave anyone behind. But you will need to take that first tiny step and reach out. Never lose sight of the fact that there really is someone just waiting to say 'hello' to you, if you just reach out. Our wonderful Film and TV Charity has 24/7/365 telephone support available, as well as counselling. Another non-judgemental listening ear that’s available 24/7/365 is the Samaritans.
Do you have any tips to share about how you cope with the loneliness we can experience as carers? Let us know in the comments below.
Additional Resources
References:
Zhou, Z., Mao, F., Zhang, W., Towne, S. D., Jr, Wang, P., & Fang, Y. (2019). The Association Between Loneliness and Cognitive Impairment among Older Men and Women in China: A Nationwide Longitudinal Study. International journal of environmental research and public health, 16(16), 2877.
Lara, E., Martín-María, N., De la Torre-Luque, A., Koyanagi, A., Vancampfort, D., Izquierdo, A., & Miret, M. (2019). Does loneliness contribute to mild cognitive impairment and dementia? A systematic review and meta-analysis of longitudinal studies. Ageing Research Reviews.
Bastian, B., Koval, P., Erbas, Y., Houben, M., Pe, M., & Kuppens, P. (2015). Sad and Alone: Social Expectancies for Experiencing Negative Emotions Are Linked to Feelings of Loneliness. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 6(5), 496–503.
Queen, T. L., Stawski, R. S., Ryan, L. H., & Smith, J. (2014). Loneliness in a day: Activity engagement, time alone, and experienced emotions. Psychology and Aging, 29(2), 297–305.
Sermat, V. (1978). Sources of Loneliness. Essence: Issues in the Study of Ageing, Dying, and Death, 2(4), 271–276.
Baumeister, R.F. & Leary, M.R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117, 497-529.
Alfred Adler's Theories of Individual Psychology and Adlerian Therapy
This blog post was written by Lynne, who was a full time carer for four years, including during the pandemic and is now a post carer. Giving up her 25 year career to care for her mother, Lynne retrained as a Coaching Psychologist and used her knowledge and experiences as a carer, to support other carers and post carers navigate the many emotional and psychological experiences carers face each day.
Lynne is now combining her passion for gardening and wildlife to continue her journey to support carers in the future. Wild Ross is a not-for-profit and she will be working with local communities to start or support an existing Social and Therapeutic Horticulture (STH) project(s), focusing on supporting carers to develop their sustainable gardening and wildlife knowledge and skills and be a place to chat and explore nature with likeminded individuals who have a shared experience.
If you would like to know more about Social and Therapeutic Horticulture please visit Thrive, a charity leading STH in England and Wales or Trellis, a charity leading STH in Scotland. If you would like to know more about Wild Ross, STH and regenerative gardening, please contact Lynne enquiries@wildross.org